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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Relationship sabotage - Where do negative self destructive emotions come from? - NOTE

Suppose you are in a relationship and you systematically fight with your partner over stupid thing... why is that? here are some core questions and situations you might face:

  • You get very angry at your partner for stupid things
  • You get irritated over very simple house hold issues
  • You start a fight when you should be having fun
  • Etc.
Recognize an of these?

This person IS right for you!

You match on so many levels, but somehow you don't seem to bring harmony and peace in your relationship.

Why is that? Any ideas?

Here is a theory:

You want to be in control of your life.

When you are by yourself, you know you are the one in charge of your existence.

Now, when you share your live with someone, you start sharing time and space.

The space that used to be totally yours is now shared.

This means that for the same you have two equal sources of power, yours and theirs.

This overlap of territory creates a power overlap as well.

It means that the areas you share are potentially areas of power struggle.

Suppose that you both want to choose the color of the walls for your new house.

You disagree on the color, tension arises becuase neither of you can get their way.

Tension suddenly drops the instant they tell you something like:

"You know what, let's go for your choice, I am ok with it - Actually I like your choice too"

See what happens?

they give up the desire to control and give you the power to decide.

See how it works?

Your power zones no longer overlap because the exact element you both wanted to control is now in your hands.

That's one example! Conflict.

The reason there are so many power struggles in relationships is because of the degree of intimacy you are in when you share space and time with someone.

Having control of your life gives you a sense of security.

And security gives you the power to avoid pain or even be killed.

Imagine your time 40000 years ago - Cave times.

You were living in nature and finding the right secure spot to spend the night for your family was often a matter of life and death.

Choose the wrong spot and you might put everyone in danger.

This is why these choices associated with home are so essential.

Because having control over your personal space gives you security and peace of mind.

What about the colors of the walls?

Why is it so essential for so many people?

It's because the colors of the walls reflect on your mind.

You are better attuned to certain colors than to others.

certain colors might bring happiness, joy, clarity.

Some other might bring sadness, or dark feeling and not resonate with you.

This means that the colors of your walls will reverberate a certain set of emotions for the years to come.

Joy or happiness are like gold!

certain places, colors, architectures can really hold you back and others really uplift you!

This is why having control over your personal space is such a big deal for many people.

See how it works?

The same applies to what to do in the week ends or how to spend an evening... TIME!

Time is precious too and the way you spend it colors your life and mind.

This is why people often fight over what to do.

Because it does truly matter.

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Now, when you are in a relationship, trying to control everything is a big mistake because it doesn't give any space to the other person.

you need to let go here and there of controlling certain things...

One day, you decide... The following day, they decide...

So, if they decide, where do you get your happiness from?

Well it comes from the fact that it's no longer you only generating happiness.

You are unit with your couple and if their choice makes them happy and they share that happiness with you, you are not left alone with nothing. You get some of that too.

See the dynamics?
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Now, let's take another example:

You come angry home because you had a conflict with your boss.

You meet your partner and snap at them over something stupid.

You come home... You are in battle mode...

It's YOUR state of mind, not the one of your couple!

You simply pick up an emotion from somewhere else, 

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the next question of course is to find out how to clear all that...

The first step is to understand the dynamics

The second step is to develop and train new behaviors, new communication skills, new relationships skills.