Saturday, January 16, 2010

Why spending time apart is very healthy for your relationship - ARTICLE

The fact that you are married or committed to each other does not mean that you have to spend all your time together.

This is such a common misunderstanding in many couples.

They tend to believe that the fact that you spend a week holidays apart or that you have a night out with your friends are signs that something is wrong with your relationship.

Not at all!

Your relationship needs to breathe.

If you feel tensions building up easily.

If you feel easily frustrated with your partner.

If you feel your level of excitement or passion dying out.

These are all signs that you might be burning out your love life.

What does it mean exactly?

It simply means that your couple space gets asphyxiated by not having time to regenerate.

Everything goes in cycles.

It is totally normal to have a break from your partner’s presence every now and then.

The only thing which stops you from taking that break and enjoying it is the fact that you believe it is wrong.

Okay, I agree!

These are new ideas.

A 100 years ago, I am convinced that partners would tend to stick together at all times.

You often hear people saying things like:

“It can’t be all fun in your marriage”

“You need to make sacrifices”

I’ll be direct, okay?

Crap!

I can’t believe it!

If you are not having fun in your relationship right now, it is because you did run out of ideas and energy.

It is like pressing an orange endlessly trying to get more juice out of it.

If this is how your relationship feels right now, it does not mean that you are wrong for each other, it simply means that you need to regenerate, reconnect with yourself, activate new sources of energy and power, etc.

Change and renewal are needed in your couple.

If you keep on repeating the same cycle over and over again, your mind tends to get bored. Passion simply dies out.

Now, it you step out of your couple space for an evening every now and then, you get the excitement juices flowing again.

It works!

It is magical to feel free from your partner’s judgement or presence for a few hours or a few days.

Again, this does not mean that you have to break up.

It simply means that it is part of your natural needs to regenerate, so that when you meet again, you have some fresh energy to invest in what you share.

Daring to spend time apart is one of the key modern relationship skills.

In fact I don’t know that many couples who dare to embrace this idea.

Very often you need to come to a point of crisis where you are so frustrated of not feeling fulfilled that you decide to take a drastic step.

Sometimes, this can lead to cheating or break up.

The interesting thing is that if you give yourself some freedom every now and then and simply respond to your individual needs rather than your couple needs, you bring in renewal naturally.

This renewal force is like a fresh breeze.

It empowers you, gives you back the control seat and makes you realize that you have a life beyond what you share with your partner.

Very often, partners don’t like hearing this.

They find it threatening because they are afraid that their wife, husband, girl friend or boy friend will run away with someone else.

This is the embedded fear which stops most couples from giving it a try.

What does this mean?

It means that you need to talk about it.

You need to reassure each other.

You need to understand exactly why it is okay every now then to organize an evening where your partner is not present and not involved at all.

Imagine: it is like walking hand in hand all the time.

Sometimes, you want to let go of that hand and feel this renewed sense of total freedom.

It does not mean that you won’t grab that hand again in a minute; it simply means that you can both function as individual and within a couple space; which is excellent news!

Can you see how this works?

Because you have this renewed sense of inner independence, it gives you extra power and extra confidence.

This gives you extra happiness and emotional fulfilment as well.

You find yourself more balanced.

When you see your partner again, you invest all these qualities back in your relationship!

This is why it is a win-win: because when you come back to your partner, he or she enjoys a more fulfilled spouse.

If your relationship is totally fulfilling right now, it probably means that you found a good balance already. If it is the case, then simply keep on doing what you have been doing till now as it seems to work.

Now, if you feel that your life and relationship need a boost, this is probably the number one strategy to try.

Now, I am not saying this is easy.

If you enjoyed the cosiness and comfort of your partner’s presence for many years, the idea of not seeing him or her for even one evening can be threatening.

Yes, you are right!

It is a risk!

You always take a risk when you engage yourself in a new direction you did not try before.

Now, this risk taking is precisely what brings in a new boost of freshness in your life.

The moment you take some risks, (Nothing extreme! J Simply something you did not try before) you call for fresh resources in your system.

All this is very good and positive.

In another article, we will explore the type of new activities you can focus on and how to introduce the idea to your partner.

For now, I’ll let you think about this simple relationship strategy.

I’m serious: this could save your marriage or relationship if you feel it is in trouble right now.

It will as well give you a new sense of freshness and happiness.

These are qualities you deserve in your life.

If they were somehow taken away from you, it might time to put up a good fight to manifest them back.

Remember that you and your partner are the designers of your relationship.

You decide what happens next.