Monday, January 18, 2010

Fighting over lack of reassurance and validation - ARTICLE

I have met the most perfect guy. We've been dating for 2 years now. I honestly, cannot think of a bad thing to say about him. Other than the fact that he is in the military and moving in a year. One of his other FEW flaws...he isn't too good about sharing his feelings of our future. I, of course, am afraid he is going to hurt me.

We are a great couple. Really, best-friends. He treats me great, loves me unconditionally, makes me laugh. We are crazy about each other. Our only problems are when I start bickering about something, or start harping on our future. We have been fighting a lot about him sharing his feelings, our futures, etc.

I am getting worried about where our relationship stands when he leaves here in about a year. I have to talk about it all the time. I want to know if I am included in his plans, if he plans on getting married, etc. He says he wants to get married, wants to marry me, just not anytime soon.

I know that he loves me. I also know that I push him away. (To protect myself.) I keep asking him if we should stay together. (It is getting to the point that if there is no future with us, I'd rather stop while I am ahead. Before I get anymore hurt. )He "doesn't know" if he wants to stay together because of all of our fighting...mostly due to me needing reassurance/validation.

Am I asking for too much? Is there a way to stay together and stop all of this fighting?

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You fight because you have two different visions, two different plans. There are good chances that if you were giving him the space, he might altogether go for it and commit himself to a future with you.

The thing is: there is no guarantee.

Women tend to commit more easily than men.

He obviously prefers keeping it open at this stage.

To build a relationship, you need a common ground. The clock is ticking for you. It is not happening for him. You can try to force him but it will back clash on you for sure. It is already happening right now.

It’s his plan against yours. You two clash because of that.

A relationship is like a small enterprise. To win, you need a common goal. Obviously, if he wants to go South and you want to go North, it creates tensions and the ship goes nowhere.

Many couples do split because of lack of common vision. It can be children related issues. It can be lack of common interests, life vision, career, cultures, etc.

Here is what you can do: You can sit down with him and write down your plan and his plan. Talk about it and identify the exact areas which do not match.

It is truly worth talking about it. Your goal is simple: You want to create a win-win. You love him, right? You don’t want him to give up his plans either. You want everyone to win.

I know it is tough but when there are some major disagreements between two partners (for instance, you want children and he doesn’t), you have better chances to succeed alone than together.

The goal however is to not give up too soon. You can slightly stretch your visions and make concessions until you meet a real limit.

If it’s the case and you know you can’t give up your goal or vision, it is time to break up and move on.

You need courage to do that. You have two options: Staying together and fighting or breaking up and going on with your life.

Both choices are challenging. You can go through a form of temporary transition where you go back to a semi committed relationship and give each other more space.

This is definitely a good way to go. If you don’t fully break up it will give you the possibility to find out if you want to make further concessions on your goals and stay together.

If you fight too much, the best is to give each other more space. Take some distance from each other. This will give you clarity for your future.