Monday, January 18, 2010

Control free or control freak? - ARTICLE

Most fights are related with control.

Suppose you are a woman and you want something from you partner. You feel like you are doing all the work at home while he wants to have a drink with his mates. You catch him just before he leaves!

He reacts. He yells at you. You fight. He slams the door and leaves.

No one is guilty! It is essential to realize that in such situation, you are both wrong and both right at the same time.

You are both following your instincts and responding to your needs. It is your role to do so.

When he decides to go for a drink, he responds to a desire to be with friends and chill out. It's normal. It is reasonable. It is a human need.

You respond to the need of having a clean house. You need support. You need help. Again, it is reasonable and human to do so.

The moment a fight starts is the moment you try to influence or control his actions. That's the moment he responds.

The trigger is: trying to control someone else's action.

Your partner's human nature is trained to protect his territory. His territory is his mind, personal space, actions, time frame, belongings, beliefs and emotions. This is what belongs to him. As an individual you are given the human right to have control over these.

Sometimes you do delegate your power:

· It happens with work: the organization you work for has some influence over your work. You accept that in exchange of money, someone else is given the right to tell you what to do.

· It happens with parents: they are given authority over their children to protect their growth and security).

· It happens as well to a certain extent with couples: you make concessions.

I repeat this again: When you are born, you are given the right to control what is yours. Your actions, beliefs, time, personal space, mind space, emotions, etc. All these are yours.

You are as well given defense mechanisms to defend your territory. If someone tries to steal your car, you'll react, right? "Hey this is mine!"

Society and natural instincts give you the power to have control over what is yours. You have laws protecting those rights.

In a relationship, you have some transfer of power happening. This is a common agreement. This agreement says something like:

"We live together and have a relationship and therefore we accept to make some concessions and transfer part of our individual power to the relationship"

When you step into a relationship, you can sometimes commit a very basic mistake: Tell to your partner what they should do or believe.

Something in you believes it is your right to tell it to your partner. I believe it is usually not.

The rule number one must always be: respect your partner's space.

If you feel disagreement, get together and establish dialogue.

You don't attack. You don't yell. You don't challenge. You simply say something like: "I face a challenge with something in our relationship. I would like to sit down and talk about it. When is a good time?"

Then you follow up with establishing dialogue.

The basic mistake is to believe that you are given the right to control someone else's actions in any way. Any individual always stays master of their actions. It is necessary. It is healthy and empowering. The moment you want to control someone else's actions, you disempowered them. This is why they will react or build up resentment.

The number one relationship killer is excessive control over each other. Excessive control in a relationship kills life force. It kills harmony, love and sex drive. In fact it kills the very essence of a positive and healthy relationship.

You want one simple thing: replace control by freedom!

Most fights are related with control and power issues. Someone who reacts does so because their space and freedom is invaded in some way.

They feel emotionally trapped and yell to defend their territory.

If you need something from your partner, attacking him is not the way to go. Dialogue, diplomacy are the qualities you need to develop for your relationship.

You want space, freedom and win-wins!

Minimum control! Maximum freedom!

Can you see what I see?